I'm tired of the images being thrown at girls these days.
It all started with  that blasted song "Fiftteen" by Taylor Swift.
I've been entirely aware of the "Highschool Hell" so many teen stars are peddling. People didn't talk to them, people would tease them, or people were jealous of them; for whatever reason, these kids had a horrid time in school. Tear worthy, most often. Middle school & high school are always low points in their lives.

This isn't what gets me.

They say these things, sing about them and write about them, and then pictures surface from their spirit-crushing time period. Theyre laughing, smiling, partying. They are genuinely happy.

Why does this bother me? Because they hold a lot of control. What they say strongly influence other people. Comparitively, a person's mind is more powerful than most realize. If someone is idolizing one of these teens and they see them complaining about how horrid school was for them, said fan can easily convince themself that high school is a horrid place and it shan't be enjoyed, thus ruining any chance of enjoying it, even though the person theyre trying to be DID enjoy it.

It is for the same reason that I despise the recently popular song by Taylor Swift; "Fifteen".
In it, she talks about how boys were the center of her freshman year existance, and that because she was young and naive she - and her friends - would believe whatever a boy said. This is idiotic. Yes, maybe she did feel that way. If so, thats a very sad and pathetic fact. Unfortunately, because this song has become popular and because Taylor has become popular, millions of girls are convincing themselves that
A. They, too, live and feel that way, but its okay because she did, too.
B. They are going to feel that way because Taylor did, and that means everyone worth knowing also felt that way.
C. They did at one point feel that way.
This means, they can all relate to her, and anyone that doesn't fall into these categories does not relate and thus does not fit in. This means any girl with a brain and some guts and the nerve to be confident enough without a man does not fit in. This is beyond gay.

Thanks Hollywood, for making anyone that dares to have fun, or dares to have a brain - or, god forbid, both - an outcast yet again. 

You win this round. 

I want to join the peace corps.
I don't think this is one am talk, either.
I've been up researching their site for awhile now,
& the only downside so far is that I'd be alone; other than that it's perfect.
I think I also enjoy the thought of being able to say "I was in the Peace Corps"
& my parents being able to say "My daughter is in the Peace Corps right now".

I will be away for 27 months.
I need to get a college degree
(sooo hard. not. only nine more courses!)
I just don't want to be away from Allison during her cute phase,
& if I stick around for it, she probably won't remember me when I return.
 - I really need to stop living my life for her already -

in the meantime, there are many volunteer positions open around here.
theres a senior citizen community looking for someone to supervise knitting.
& i know how to knit, so...

every generation gets the chance to change the world.

everyone consistently talks about how much better they know their lives could be.
"if I was thinner..."
"if I didn't live here..."
"if I had a better job..."
"if my friends were cooler..."

But what if we're all just kidding ourselves? What if there is nothing better than what we've got? Should we spend our lives wasting away waiting for the changes to come - or, burning bridges and stepping on toes to get what we think we deserve? Is that worse than living in a lie? Can we be happy with where we are? IS there a better, or is this it? Yes, maybe your job does pay too little and give you no respect, or maybe your friends ignore you and use you for your material possessions, but does that mean you should spend your time wallowing in what could be, instead of enjoying what is? I'm afraid there are people out there - myself included - that are too busy believing their time has yet to come, that they'll let it pass them by because they don't like where they live, or are five pounds too heavy. I feel like we're too focused on how to live in the future, when everything will be right in our lives. Fact of the matter is, the future is just a few minutes away, and you're going to feel exactly the same.

I am devastated.
I'm eighteen years old, and I have nothing to show for it.
Miley Cyrus isn't even as old as me yet.
Natalie Portman was already an established star.

I'm not in school.
I don't have a full time job
- but I work full time hours -
I still live with my parents.
I'm still holding onto dreams that aren't even really going to come to fruition.
I feel trapped, and I feel humiliated.
I waste my money on clothes and day trips and useless junk.
I have three jobs that are just humdrum enough for me to stand.
I don't look at it as a personal enriching experience; it's a paycheck.
This isn't the life I'm supposed to have.

I don't know why and how I let myself get this way. There is nothing about myself that I am satisfied with. I've recently thought about doing something amazing - going to Africa to help with the hashmeat gorilla rescue, or being a volunteer for Big Brothers Big Sisters or something. I need to do something meaningful with my time. I'm so sick of waiting for my life to start. For counting down until I can start being worthwhile. I've been waiting to be awesome until we moved to California, and I've been waiting to volunteer and do something worthwhile until I was a celebrity and people would pay attention to me. Those motives are all wrong. I need to quit wasting my time. I'm so embarassed and ashamed.
I'm not waiting any more.

As for fate and all, it's getting old. And my mind is slowly changing.

during middle school and the early years of high school,
i was madly in love with a pop group.
we're talking - school-wide fame for my embarassing obsession.
they disbanded a few years ago, but i fell out before that.
still, i've remained their "friend" on myspace & facebook.
because of this, i could always check in and see how they were doing.
they've always been glamorous to me. everything they do. always.

alas, just this evening, I was looking through some of their new pictures, & it's not that exciting anymore. I still love them, but seemingly overnight I just grew out of it. I finally feel like what i'm doing with my life is as - if not more, to me - important than what they're doing with their lives. I just finished this book called "Starstruck: When a Fan Gets Close to Fame" & it was extremely insightful in highlighting the screwed up relationship between celebrity and fan. Being a former SuperFan it really hit home in regards to the illogical dreams and ambitions that came with my love of this band. I suppose having since read this book, the importance of my own existance in comparison with theirs was illuminated. There is no reason for me to monitor their sites for updates, or to continue to try to emulate them. It's time to lay that to rest, and live my life in a way that eventually people will want to look through my Facebook photos until midnight on a work night.